Friday, May 30, 2008

You're totally on vacation.

No misanthropy until tomorrow.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The "The Lakes"

So, you've been skating around the Chain of Lakes on the Minneapolis Grand Rounds Scenic Byway for a few weeks now. You're new to both inline skating and to "the lakes" (as the locals refer to them), and you have a few initial observations.

The lakes are a real draw in the Twin Cities. On a sunny day, the lakes are crawling with douchebags. You've blogged previously about how your neighborhood (located smack dab between I-35W and the lakes) becomes a traffic nightmare, because every SUV, Beemer, or Audi-driving douchebag and their dog is on their way to and from the lakes. But it's not just the suburban douchebags who come out...it's a magnet for freaks as well. It's a real good mix of people who should just stay away from each other.

There are two trails: one for wheels, and another for those without wheels. The trail for wheels is a one-way trail with a 10-mile-per-hour speed limit. However, douchebags frequently "bend the rules" so to speak. For some reason, runners love to run on the wheel trail. I don't know why, maybe you'll ask one of them sometime. You think it may have to do with the fact that the wheel trail is on the outside, so it's longer. Occasionally, even walkers end up on the wheel trail, which makes no sense at all except that they are complete undeniable douchebags with no sense whatsoever.

Then there are the douchebags on wheels. There are douchebags who go the wrong direction on the wheel trail. The direction you should go is clearly marked with big white arrows painted right on the trail. Sweetie likes to yell at these douchebags, which will probably get you beat up one of these days.

One day, Sweetie and you came upon two suburban douchebags pushing a baby carriage on the wheel trail...wait for it...IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. Uhg. Sweetie gave them what for. She pointed out that they were putting their baby in danger, which was completely true, because it was like your second time on inline skates, and you had very little control, so the baby could have been toast.

Your favorite trail is Lake Harriet. The trail is very wooded, so it's not only very scenic, but the wind is blocked and has very little effect on your skating. Lake Calhoun is a fun skate, but the wind really whips across that lake, and on a gusty day will make skating a real chore. Plus, Calhoun is the most popular of all the lakes, so on a sunny day, it's basically douchebag central. Lake of the Isles is the smoothest of lake trails, and is practically deserted...even on nice days. The very expensive real estate around this lake is the only scenery, though. So, unless you're into architecture, or you're one of those self-loathing douchebags who wishes they were rich enough to own more house than they actually need, then this trail may not be for you.
Sweetie doesn't get off work for another 90 minutes, so I need to occupy my brain during that time.

The Terminator is on UPN 29. It just started. "The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire..."

But TV isn't enough. And complaining about everything and/or writing about how I want everything to crumble into dust just seems really typical of me at this point.

Hmmm...how about a real post. (See above.)

I'm so hungry, but I can't eat until Sweetie gets here, so we can have dinner together.

The White-Hot Explosion

For some reason, you're trying to take a nap, which is kinda retarded considering it's a perfect day. It's sunny, and the sky is a big blue toilet bowl with clouds floating in it like wonderful puffy white turds.

Have you ever wanted everything to just burn? Seriously. It's sounds scary, doesn't it? Well, not to you. There are just so many people out there who should melt into a protien glop and then burst into a bright blue flame.

You've heard comedians George Carlin and Bill Hicks joke about how great it would be if there were one big giant disaster that would wipe everything out, and how nice it would be afterwards. And, usually you just think it's funny, but today your nap keeps getting interupted with thoughts of how great things would be if everything were wiped out in a big white-hot explosion.

Granted, a big explosion probably wouldn't be any picnic for you either, but you're somewhat comforted by the fact that a big explosion that could burn up everything probably isn't going to happen anytime in the near future. So, fuck it, you'll consider it all you want.

Since you can't sleep, you'll go rollerblading. Maybe that will brighten your attitude some.



Monday, May 12, 2008

The Creepy Guys Who Sit In Their Cars

Why do creepy guys hang around the lakes in their cars?

Seriously. It's never women sitting in their cars gawking at everyone. It's either old men, or bald guys. Or both. In their cars. Sitting. Gawking.

Sometimes they drink coffee. Sometimes they smoke. Sometimes they write things in notebooks. (Maybe, later, they're blogging about sitting in their cars by the lake.)

Old, bald men by the lake...GET OUT OF YOUR CARS AND TRUCKS AND JOIN THE WORLD, because you are creeping the rest of us out.

The Up Early & Watching Commercials

You hate commercials.

You're up early this morning, and you noticed their are a lot of commercials about mouthwash.

There are also a lot of commercials for medications, along with a lot of commercials for lawyers looking for people who want to sue drug companies. What gives?

I'm going rollerblading.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The How WIll You Sleep

You would do anything lately not to have to dissect your life. Any distraction will do.

During the day, you watch TV, you cook, and then you rollerblade. You look forward to rollerblading. You're glad you decided to try it, and that Sweetie had the persistence too make you follow through with the idea. Even now, you want to rollerblade. You want to go around the lake, but it's 1:48 AM, and the Lake would be a dangerous place right now, so you'll wait until daylight.

A few hours ago, you distracted yourself with Mongolian BBQ, and then the 9:40 PM showing of Iron Man at the Southdale Mall AMC Theater. You were with Sweetie and your friend Summer.

At the moment, you're distracting yourself by watching 28 Weeks Later on HBO On-Demand, which you know is a big mistake. Your internal parent is screaming at you to turn it off. It's such a depressing movie. How will you sleep when it's over?

Saturday, May 3, 2008

The What Gives?

You're up at 5 AM. Watching Just Shoot Me episodes from your DVR.

Why are you awake. Well,it's because you pretty much hate everything, and it's hard to sleep when you pretty much hate everything.

You're hoping watching an old sitcom will shut your brain off.

You're mixing a banana cream protein shake with sugar-free soy milk. Maybe that will knock you out.

You have a headache, and the fucking birds are singing. It's cold as fuck out, and windy as fuck, and, yet, it's fucking May 3rd. What gives?

Just another shitty gray day in Minnesota. And you have to be at work in a few hours.