However, you've been in many, many, many various relationships with a long list of assorted ladies, and you've made many, many, many mistakes, and you've learned a lot...the hard way.
One of your favorite pastimes is people watching. You often go out to a bar, find a nice spot in the corner, and watch the show in the rest of the room. The most entertaining part of the show is watching the guys in the room attempt to meet and/or impress and/or talk to the women in the room, and it's always a pathetic scene.
And it’s not just the young guys either. It’s older guys too. It’s like, when it comes to women, men are incapable of retaining any sort of intellectual capacity. They just keep trying the same lame shit over and over and over.
Sidebar: Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry does the stand up routine at the end about the guy who honks his car horn at women on the street. “Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car. The woman walks by the front of the car. He honks the horn. This man is out of ideas.” That’s what you're talking about.
So, off the top of your head, here’s a few rules you think guys should follow:
1. Don’t be too available. Women will quickly learn to hate your guts if you’re around too much, or if you come running every time they call.
2. Don’t give women flowers. Uhg. Only dorks give women flowers. Giving women “courting gifts” is an antiquated concept. (This rule can only be broken if the woman in question is your mother. Or, if you’ve been in a relationship with a woman for a while, and it’s her birthday, or Valentines Day. Valentines Day is a stupid non-holiday, but if you want to get laid, you better put some thought into what you give her for V-Day. The best V-Day gifts are given in a way that it impresses her friends and coworkers, because women love to impress their friends and coworkers with their V-Day gifts.)
3. Don’t seek out women. Only dorks go out LOOKING for women. Women are perceptive. They know when you’re looking for a date, and they keep their distance from dorks on the prowl. Plus, women are everywhere, so why are you working so hard to find them?
4. Live your life. This is tied in closely with #1 and #3. A guy who spends every waking moment looking for a woman and/or attempting to impress a woman is NOT attractive. Women are everywhere, and they’re drawn to guys who live their lives.
5. If you’re going to hit on a woman, DO IT SOBER. Uhg. If you need liquid courage to talk to a woman, then you’re better off acting aloof (see #1 and #4). She may or may not find your aloofness attractive, but at least she won’t think you’re a drunken loser tool.
6. Have a spine. You are an individual, and individuals have beliefs and opinions that are different than other individuals, and this includes women. Nothing turns a woman off faster than a dork who agrees with everything she says. In fact...and this is important…if you like a woman, it’s imperative that you disagree with her A LOT, and be able to tell her why you disagree with her...IN DETAIL.
7. Don’t go out on dates. Only dorks “date” women, and women don’t date dorks. It’s a catch-22. (See #3 and #4 and #6.) If you’re going to a movie, by all means, take someone along…if it’s a woman, so much the better, but don’t just go to a movie because you need an excuse to spend time with a woman. Uhg. In other words, it’s not: “Do you wanna go to a movie with me, because I really like you and stuff.” It’s: “I’m going to see this band tomorrow night, and you’re coming with me. Why? Because you have terrible taste in music, and I’m going to change that. Be ready at seven if you know what's good for you.”
8. Women are crazy. Never attempt to rationalize their actions. All your failures with women will be well planned. If things are going too well in your relationship with a woman...it's a trap. And, last, but not least: The fight you are having with her is NOT the same fight she is having with you. Read that last sentence again. It's very important that you understand. Example: If she picks a fight with you about walking too fast, she's actually picking a fight with you because she thinks you think she's fat, even though you've never said anything about her being fat, and you don't think she's fat at all, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think you think she's fat, but she sure isn't going to get you to admit that you think she's fat, you son-of-bitch, because she can tell you think she's fat by how fast you're walking, so quit walking so goddamn fast, you prick, or she'll just sit there and pout until you reassure her that she isn't fat, and that's all she wanted when she picked that fight with you about walking too fast, and the fight about walking too fast will end as soon as you tell her she isn't fat by complimenting the dress she wore especially for you, but you didn't even notice her dress, you prick, but you complimented that other girl's hair two hours ago, and now you're walking too fast.
OK, that’s enough for now. Class dismissed.
2 comments:
I like this.
I'm going to staple it to my forehead so I never forget.
I like your post better.
Winner.
Wow, you are quite perceptive.
And quite right.
Way to go on figuring out they way women think, or at least figuring out that you can't figure them out sometimes.
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