The Easter In Minneapolis

You can't sleep. It’s Easter, and you’re awake early.

You consider going to mass, but this is the busiest day of the year for church, so that idea is just cliché.

You decide that it’s probably best to get out and get some breakfast before all those bandwagon churchgoing fucks fill every restaurant with their frilly, Easter-colored Sunday best.

Your Sweetie is sleeping next to you. She is usually the early riser. You move over and slide a knee under her butt. She moans and smacks her lips. She says, "You're up early. Maybe you should go to the gym, and then we can get breakfast."

You say, "I'm not going to the gym today. It's Easter." Besides, your abs are sore from yesterday.

She stands up on the bed and looks out the window. "Oh, my god. It snowed again," she says.

What a fucking mess. Nothing brings people out like a religious holiday, and nothing makes them stupider than driving in new snow.

I'm going to need a miracle to get to work in one piece today.

Help me, Jesus!